Hoe No!

I had a major gardening incident tonight. I'm still trying to mentally recover as I write this. Aidan and I were in the garden for the long-overdue corpse removal session and he was hacking away with the long-handled 5-pronged rake-thing while I was lightly hoeing the soil and pulling up weeds. I realized that I'd fallen away the Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan and figured as the founder of Extreme Hoeing I owed it to my followers to pick it back up now that we're getting ready to plant again.

I spent several minutes stretching out appropriately so that I wouldn't get injured. I did some hoe squats to make sure my back and legs were up to it. Then I stood in the appropriate stance and started a very intense session of Extreme Hoeing. Soil and sweat were flying, weeds flinging through the air, when CRACK! TING! THUMP!

My hoe fell into three pieces. I killed my hoe. My trusty hoe. Dead. The handle cracked, the hoe head fell off and the metal connector shaft fell to the ground.

I never knew Extreme Hoeing could be so dangerous. I think I'll have to re-evaluate my plan and add some warning labels. You just can't be too hard on your hoe...

I'll be shopping for a new hoe this weekend. I hope I find one that I bond with.

Edited: Farmer B came home and saw the dismembered hoe. Said it's a Craftsman so Sears will replace it for free. It's already in his car and I should have a brand-spanking new shiny hoe in my hands tomorrow morning.

Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan

Anyone who wants to live a healthier and longer life looks into workout plans from time to time. There are fads that come and go and others that seem to stand the test of time. For those of us who garden in our spare time, it's hard to fit in a workout as well. That's why I developed the latest workout phenomenon that is soon to sweep the gardening world by storm - Extreme Hoeing.


When it's time to hoe your garden - from an odd weeding here and there to a full-garden hoeing session, simple follow the Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan to gain the maximum benefit from your workout and burn calories fast.

An Extreme Hoer doesn't pussyfoot around the garden holding a hoe with a pinky extended like they're posing for the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. There's no light scritch-scratching to barely penetrate the surface of the soil in the world of Extreme Hoeing. Extreme Hoeing is deep-down, dirty hoeing. It involves gardening gloves and shoes, fiberglass hoes, and putting your back into it like you're trying to chop a hole to China with each blow of the hoe. Our slogan is "It's not extreme until you've got a sweaty hoe."

The most elite Extreme Hoers even have a collection of hoes to vary their workout so that different muscles are exercised each time. Carol at May Dreams Gardens has a pimptastic collection of hoes that should be admired by all gardeners. A gardener with a collection like hers who follows the Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan could become buff and tough within weeks.

There is no age limit to the EHWP and even children and seniors alike can benefit from the plan. Here are some of the essentials for the EHWP:

1) Wear comfortable clothing. Proper workout gear including loose-fitting moisture-wicking clothing ensures you look fabulous while you are involved in Extreme Hoeing. Do not come home from work and march out to the garden without getting changed. No one wants to be called a crazy hoer. Wrist sweatbands are an optional accessory that is sure to beef up your workout. Knee-high socks are a must to prevent upper-calf wellie chafing should you choose to wear wellies during the extreme workout.
2) Wear gloves. You won't find a serious weight lifter bench pressing sets without a great pair of lifting gloves, so don't try to Extreme Hoe without gloves either. A nice set of gardening gloves is a must for hard-core extreme hoers.

3) Wear appropriate shoes. You can't Extreme Hoe in flip-flops, mary-janes, loafers or any type of 1980s boat shoe. A stint of Extreme Hoeing will kick up dirt like a hog on a truffle, so a good pair of shoes is essential. Wellies or waterproof gardening shoes are a must.

4) Pick a hardy hoe. A flimsy hoe will surely break when exposed to the rigors of Extreme Hoeing, so pick a hoe wisely. Fiberglass is a good option, but a strong wooden handle is a nice option as well. There are many different hoe blades that will vary your workout, from a heart hoe to a half-moon hoe to a regular old garden hoe…or even a Nurserymen's Beet Hoe for maximum latissimus dorsi firming.

5) Follow the patent-pending Extreme Hoeing Overhand Stroke with each stroke of the hoe. (Expect a DVD with complete instructions early next year.) The EHOS involves a double-handed firm grip on the hoe, with feet planted shoulder width apart and shoulders at a 30 degree angle. Swing your arms over your strong shoulder so that the blade of the hoe is at least 18 inches above your head. Bring your elbows into your side and swing your hips slightly to the left as you draw the hoe down and angle your blade so that it hits the ground at the appropriate angle for the type of hoe you're using. Follow through the ground upon impact so that the hoe travels the deepest distance into the ground. Slightly wiggle your hoe and pull or push at least 6 inches in either direction, depending on your hoe type. Repeat the EHOS until sweats drips onto your hoe. Only at this point have you have officially participated in an extreme hoeing workout.

So there you have it. Farmer B and I toned muscle, lost weight and gained a new appreciation for physical fitness after only our first 3 weeks of Extreme Hoeing. It's not just a workout - it's really become a way of life. We try not to go more than a day without a sweaty hoe... Are you ready for this level of commitment? Then join the Extreme Hoeing Club now to transform your life and your garden. Remember, "It's not extreme until you've got a sweaty hoe."

Are you an Extreme Hoer? Display the Extreme Hoeing Club button with pride! Just copy and paste this text below onto your site.

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Fall Planting Time

It's Fall planting time here and I've read that it's much easier for unskilled gardeners to have a successful crop this time of year. I'm hoping my life to death ratio is much better this time around because, let's face it, it really can't be much worse. We won't have any frost concerns until next year, so at least I can cross frost off my list of possible culprits when the inevitable happens. I'm not sure what's easiest to grow in October, but we chose some things that were recommended to me on GardenWeb and some things that just seemed like they'd be fun to try from the Fall planting list.

Of course I put my two slave laborers to work. Both of them enjoy a good muck about in the garden and we only managed to step on a few plants while involved in a crazy stint of extreme hoeing. I am a firm believer in extreme hoeing, both as a gardening philosophy and a workout plan. On to the plants.

1. Eggplant - we got one eggplant from Home Depot because the boys saw it and were intrigued with it. Sadly they both seem to think it will produce eggs at some point. We don't really eat eggplant, but since we've never had the issue of actually growing a plant until it produced fruit before, that didn't seem relevant. The boys grabbed it off the shelf and put it in the cart, so it's now in the garden. I assure you that if the damn thing actually grows an eggplant, we'll become eggplant connoisseurs right away.
2. Mr. Stripey tomato - Aidan was quite excited about our original Mr. Stripey tomato plant when we purchased it and planted it several months ago. But Mr. Stripey (may he rest in peace) was one of the many plants that met and untimely death during the floods of Tropical Storm Fay. So when we saw another Mr. Stripey at Home Depot, Aidan was so excited to give the cool stripey tomatoes another shot.
3. Peas - I purchased some "Alaska (Wilt Resistant) Peas" and planted about 3 rows of them. As is my custom, I held back about 1/2 the package incase these ones don't make it. I was just happy to find some seeds that said they were resistant to anything so I bought them. Everything we bought in the past must have said "resistant to growing" in fine print and I just missed it.

4. Green beans - These are "Burpee's Stringless Beans" that I ordered from
Seed Savers Exchange months ago. Oddly enough when I first planted these beans this summer they grew so well so fast… and then Tropical Storm Fay came and drowned them all and the rest is history. I had 1/2 a package of seeds left so I thought we'd try again.

5. Giant Musselburgh Leek - These are also from Seed Savers Exchange, but it's my first time planting them. I didn't manage to hold any seeds back because they were so tiny and Aidan was helping and next thing I know the whole packet was dumped out. My confidence level is quite low with these leeks since I've read that there is some sort of bulbing thing to be done in January-February that I have yet to understand. I planted them next to our peanuts, which seem to be growing quite well, with the hopes that some good karma will rub off on them from the peanut plants. I do quite like the humor factor of having leeks and peas in the garden. There are so many fun gardening jokes to be said about taking a leek… having a pea… yes, we're 12 years old thank you.

6. Radishes - much like with the eggplant, we aren't big radish eaters. But I've heard they grow quite well and they grow quite fast so I thought it'd be worth a shot. I planted two short rows of radishes and have over 1/2 of the packet here for next time.

So there you have it. Six poor defenseless types of vegetables that you will probably see soon on my R.I.P. list in my sidebar. If the peas and green beans actually grow, I'll have to figure out some sort of trellis system. My friend at Our Engineered Garden has some killer trellises he's built for all sorts of climbing plants, but I know mine won't look like that. Expect some sort of McGyver'd contraption involving plant stakes, coat hangers and duct tape.

Extreme Hoeing

Conversation today:

Farmer B: Do we need a pitch fork?
Me: I don't know. What do you use one for?
Farmer B: I have no idea. Maybe on roots?
Me: I saw a picture of someone using them to get up potatoes.
Farmer B: Huh.
Long pause…
Farmer B: I think we need a hoe.
Me: We do? What do you do with a hoe?
Farmer B: Don't you make the rows and stuff with a hoe? - to put the plants in? sort of scoop up the dirt into hills?
Me: I have no idea. I've never gone hoeing.
(lots of giggling)
Farmer B (looking online): Here's a fiberglass hoe online. I want one of those.
Me: For extreme hoeing?
(giggle)

Oh yeah - we're totally cut out for this.

On a more serious note. I got some new gardening apparel today thanks to Farmer B. What a dedicated guy - on his way home from the doc's with a horrible sinus infection he still managed to stop and buy me some awesome new gardening gloves. It says on the packaging that they can also be used for ranching, but I'll stick to gardening. They look like batting gloves from baseball, so I'll be able to do some extreme hoeing in them while still keeping my girly hands oh-so-soft.