MacGyvering Gone Wrong

When my aunt came to visit last weekend she looked at the peas just starting to poke through the soil and told me I needed to "cage them in." Ah yes, she was speaking of the trellis thingamabob that I've never needed because nothing has ever grown high enough to need one before…unless you count my tomatoes that she recently scalped, but they're in tomato cages. I went to Home Depot with the boys this week. They don't sell pea cages.

My aunt said that since these peas only grow about 2 feet tall that I can make a dome over them with chicken wire or just create a tent over them with sticks from the yard and they'll do just fine. She said they'll be sort of low and bushy, but they'll be off the ground so should be happy enough. She made me feel guilty when she said that their new little tendrils are clearly looking for something to climb and I must make something ASAP.

The problem with this is twofold. I don't really make things for the outside. I'm more of an inside kind of girl when it comes to making things. And Farmer B has been away for training so I've had to stare at these baby peas getting bigger and bigger with nothing to climb on and no man around to build them anything.

So I took the idea of a dome in my head… I rummaged around the shed and found some of the fencing that we used to put around the garden. I used Farmer B's wire cutters (that I've never seen him take outside) and yanked and pulled until I cut a piece off the mega-roll of fencing.

I poked it in the ground just over the peas and then realized that the peas in the middle probably couldn't reach it. I had pea guilt again.

So I had the boys go around the yard collecting sticks for me. I then poked the sticks all around the peas and between the new fenced dome so they'd have something to climb up.
Oh it looks trashy. And not very stable. And trashy. And the reason it's not a real MacGyver job is because when he threw random stuff together it actually worked. This… I'm not too sure about.
The best part will be when Farmer B comes home and goes out into the garden tomorrow to see how things are doing. He'll take one look at the mess over the peas and give me the whole "What the heck happened here?" speech. I've already got an answer.
The boys did it. Isn't it cute? Don't ask them about it though. They'll deny everything. It's supposed to be a surprise.

If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

A Bee Story

I'm quite captivated by non-gross insects and having our garden has helped that interest grow. Today I watched a bee collecting pollen from one of our sunflowers and although I know people have seen this a million times, it was fascinating to watch through the lens of my camera.

The bee was using his front legs to grab pollen and pile it up on his head. He really piled it on and seemed to smash it up there like a big yellow hat.He was wiggling his back end to fill his legs with pollen and his legs looked really heavy with fluffy yellow balls. He made sure to fully circle the center of the flower and seemed quite intent on getting a bit of pollen from each part of the disc.
He even flew around a few times and dropped little pieces of pollen off his back legs in flight.
If our garden has taught me anything so far, it's to stop and appreciate the small stuff. I hate being cliché, but it's true. Without a garden I would never have discovered the beauty of dragonflies, the grossness of tomato hornworms or the fascination of a bumble bee at work. So even if we don't grow anything edible from this garden, at least we've gained something from it: a little appreciation of the small things in life.

Lettuce keep planting

I knew we wanted to give lettuce a go in the garden when I heard that it's quite easy to grow and hearing that is my Achilles heel. As soon as I hear something grows easily here in Central FL, I buy it, plant it, and kill it. I'm good like that.

We dropped by the Home Depot garden center yesterday afternoon after school and picked up nine small Romaine lettuce seedlings. As we're walking up to pay the boys noticed that the end cap was full of white eggplants. They were captivated with the idea of white eggs from this plant and purple eggs from the other plant we already have in the garden - just perfect for Easter - so we bought one. I'm well-aware that at some point I'll have to explain what an eggplant is to them.

I know I mentioned that we don't really eat eggplant, so if we grow a purple one AND a white one, I'll be scouring the web for recipes. At this point, I'm thinking I won't need to be scouring anything for recipes.

So the lettuce went in. It was quite green, but photographed quite yellow.
And the eggplant went in. Aidan wanted to put it next to Basil Boddywicket the gnome for good luck, so we went with that.
Aidan helped water in all the plants and for the first time did not water his tennis shoes too. Learning is taking place.

A Pumpkin Birth Story

As you may have read, we have been trying unsuccessfully to grow a pumpkin since our garden was planted this summer. The pumpkin plants went from about 20 strong seedlings to one almost-dead plant and one just-clinging-to-life plant. This is about on par with my gardening luck. And as you may have read, I learned that pumpkins need to be pollinated by bees or other insects or they'll just wither and die. You can enter into the seedy world of hand pollinating pumpkins if you aren't prudish, but something's gotta get the boy flowers with the girl flowers or you won't have any pumpkins.

So I was excited when we saw our first male flower back in September. I know it was male because male flowers have a long stem. Everything I read said to begin expecting female flowers shortly after the males arrive. We waited and waited. Over a month went by. More male flowers. More male flowers… Farmer B and I decided that this plant might be of an alternative lifestyle, but we were going to love it and nurture it nonetheless.

Then Halloween weekend we're out in the backyard, when Mr. Keen-Eye Aidan screams "WE GREW A PUMPKIN! A PUMPKIN! LOOK! FOR HALLOWEEEEEEN!!" And dammit if he wasn't right. There on the end of the pumpkin vine was a little green pumpkin at the base of our first female flower. I know it's a female flower because they're closer to the stem and have a tiny green pumpkin at the base.
I jumped into the garden and searched madly for a male flower. Must pollinate now! Quickly! And I saw him - there was one pathetic droopy very sorry-for-himself shriveled up male flower clinging to life at the other end of the vine. Well this wasn't going to make any baby pumpkins. I had to try something so I snatched him off the vine and bunged him at the female flower who seemed to recoil her petals with disgust. I hear ya sister...

Maybe this is a bust. When we were at the local VFW pumpkin patch this weekend I spoke with the old guy manning the patch who said he had just gotten back from a class at the local extension office on what we can grow around here. He said that he asked them about growing pumpkins and they said "Don't try it. It'll never happen." So he decided to give up on his pumpkin quest and focus on sweet potatoes.

Maybe we ought to learn how to grow sweet potatoes too.

A Halloween Scalping

I had family visiting over Halloween weekend so I took a nice break away from the computer. It was really nice to have family in town and the boys loved the attention. One of these family members is my Aunt Jill - she's one of those long-time gardeners who knows what's she's doing and has more mad skills than she knows what to do with. She even has a greenhouse and knows how to use it. She's got one of those English country gardens that you see in magazines and romantic movies with gorgeous big blooms and bees darting from patch of color to patch of color. It's really quite sick. The downside is that since she's from England (as are all of my family) there are some different growing conditions between England and Florida - obviously. But she still taught me more in one day than I've learned in the past 5 months.

We walked out in the garden together and she eyeballed each of my plants and then asked me for my secateurs. I, of course, stared at her dumbly and after much discussion we figured out that it's the English term for handheld pruning shears. I gave her the shears so she could prune up a few things and came in the house to tend to the boys.

When I walked back out to the garden I literally felt ill. I never thought any gardening incident could cause my heart to pound in my chest like I was watching an intense horror flick, but it did. My tomato plants were in the middle of a scalping of epic proportions. The pile of discarded tomato parts and severed limbs was enormous, and where my bushy plants had once thrived were little green naked sticks inside tomato cages. I wanted to knit them little cozies to wear because they looked so sad and exposed.

My aunt saw the look of pure horror on my face and spent the next 20 minutes reassuring me that she had done the right thing. She told me that my tomato plants were full of "sucker shoots" that grow off the main shoots but do not produce flowers, but merely take the goodness from the plant. She also showed me that one tomato plant that happens to have one strong main stalk has 3 very large green tomatoes, but that the plants with 8 or 9 stalks have lots of tiny cherry-sized tomatoes. She assured me that if I would keep them pruned (preferably from the get-go) that I'd end up with bigger fruit and less useless crap and small tomatoes.
Just when I was getting used to the idea, Farmer B strolled up. His chin hit his chest and he stood there mouth agape for a very long time. Yeah, I was there 20 minutes ago - I knew how he felt. It was quite funny.
Then she told me that some of my problems were probably coming from caterpillars. I assured her that I don't have caterpillars anymore since I've inspected the plants for days and haven't found any. She then pulled some off my peppers and tomatoes and well…what could I say? She is a gardening genius in my world and I felt quite honored to have been scalped by a pro.

(Oh and if you're wondering why my tomatoes look a bit yellow in the photos, I accidentally left the sprinkler on again - for about 14 hrs. Don't tell Farmer B. I didn't. He was very understanding the first time...but...I'm sure I'd get that look and a discussion about how much the well pump cost the second time around.)

LAPCPADPOUB Day Award and an important cat update

"Holy crap. That book you won is here," said Farmer B in utter disbelief as he wandered in with the mail today. He still has a hard time believing that the poem about my cat's poo for the Inelegant Gardener's 1st annual LAPCPADPOUB Day was recognized by anyone in the world, so the fact that James Alexander-Sinclair's book actually showed up was cause for amusement on his part. I had no doubt the book would show up, but Farmer B is a doubter by nature.

But it did show up.

It was an exciting moment.

As it peeked out of the envelope.

Slowly.

And there it was in its full splendor and glory.


"101 Bold and Beautiful Flowers" - Ideas for Year-Round Colour. It's really a nice little book. The boys are quite intrigued with it and like the pretty pictures and funny names, like Sneezeweed and Catchfly. I've got to admit, I'm totally enjoying reading the book. I thought it would just be pretty pictures, but it's a really good read! The descriptions of the flowers are really funny and oddly enough I find it's a real page-turner. He writes about the "Crimson Cushion" on page 18:

"This plant is like the perfect boyfriend and ticks all the right boxes. He will be polite and charming to your mother; he is immaculately turned out with deep burgundy, button flowers and narrow pea-green leaves; he is strong growing and only occasionally needs physical support, and his flowers are long-lasting, not at all smelly, unfailingly generous and never, ever late. Even better, when it is all over there are no recriminations and flying crockery, instead he fades gently away."

But I thought it was only fitting to post an update of my cat since this great little book came thanks to my poem about my cat. If you remember from the poem, he eats all sorts of things and has a mad, mad obsession for tulle. Oddly enough, we end up with tulle in the house all too often. I make produce bags out of tulle and the dogs have some fancy holiday collars made out of tulle.

The dog really wanted a break from his fancy Halloween collar - made out of tulle, of course. He's not a fan of this thing at all. Can you tell?

So I took the collar off him and set it on the counter while we ate dinner. Then I heard the boys yelling 'MOMMY!! The cat is eating Rommy's collar!!!!"

I turned around and saw this

Then it got caught on one of his snaggleteeth

And he kept chewing
More
And made that wretching noise that only a cat can make "GAAAKKKKKKKK!!!!"
And tried to pull it out of his mouth with both paws.
And finally spit the damn thing out.

Yuck.

I've got litterbox duty later tonight. I think I feel another poem coming on. My cat is such a tulle.

Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan

Anyone who wants to live a healthier and longer life looks into workout plans from time to time. There are fads that come and go and others that seem to stand the test of time. For those of us who garden in our spare time, it's hard to fit in a workout as well. That's why I developed the latest workout phenomenon that is soon to sweep the gardening world by storm - Extreme Hoeing.


When it's time to hoe your garden - from an odd weeding here and there to a full-garden hoeing session, simple follow the Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan to gain the maximum benefit from your workout and burn calories fast.

An Extreme Hoer doesn't pussyfoot around the garden holding a hoe with a pinky extended like they're posing for the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. There's no light scritch-scratching to barely penetrate the surface of the soil in the world of Extreme Hoeing. Extreme Hoeing is deep-down, dirty hoeing. It involves gardening gloves and shoes, fiberglass hoes, and putting your back into it like you're trying to chop a hole to China with each blow of the hoe. Our slogan is "It's not extreme until you've got a sweaty hoe."

The most elite Extreme Hoers even have a collection of hoes to vary their workout so that different muscles are exercised each time. Carol at May Dreams Gardens has a pimptastic collection of hoes that should be admired by all gardeners. A gardener with a collection like hers who follows the Extreme Hoeing Workout Plan could become buff and tough within weeks.

There is no age limit to the EHWP and even children and seniors alike can benefit from the plan. Here are some of the essentials for the EHWP:

1) Wear comfortable clothing. Proper workout gear including loose-fitting moisture-wicking clothing ensures you look fabulous while you are involved in Extreme Hoeing. Do not come home from work and march out to the garden without getting changed. No one wants to be called a crazy hoer. Wrist sweatbands are an optional accessory that is sure to beef up your workout. Knee-high socks are a must to prevent upper-calf wellie chafing should you choose to wear wellies during the extreme workout.
2) Wear gloves. You won't find a serious weight lifter bench pressing sets without a great pair of lifting gloves, so don't try to Extreme Hoe without gloves either. A nice set of gardening gloves is a must for hard-core extreme hoers.

3) Wear appropriate shoes. You can't Extreme Hoe in flip-flops, mary-janes, loafers or any type of 1980s boat shoe. A stint of Extreme Hoeing will kick up dirt like a hog on a truffle, so a good pair of shoes is essential. Wellies or waterproof gardening shoes are a must.

4) Pick a hardy hoe. A flimsy hoe will surely break when exposed to the rigors of Extreme Hoeing, so pick a hoe wisely. Fiberglass is a good option, but a strong wooden handle is a nice option as well. There are many different hoe blades that will vary your workout, from a heart hoe to a half-moon hoe to a regular old garden hoe…or even a Nurserymen's Beet Hoe for maximum latissimus dorsi firming.

5) Follow the patent-pending Extreme Hoeing Overhand Stroke with each stroke of the hoe. (Expect a DVD with complete instructions early next year.) The EHOS involves a double-handed firm grip on the hoe, with feet planted shoulder width apart and shoulders at a 30 degree angle. Swing your arms over your strong shoulder so that the blade of the hoe is at least 18 inches above your head. Bring your elbows into your side and swing your hips slightly to the left as you draw the hoe down and angle your blade so that it hits the ground at the appropriate angle for the type of hoe you're using. Follow through the ground upon impact so that the hoe travels the deepest distance into the ground. Slightly wiggle your hoe and pull or push at least 6 inches in either direction, depending on your hoe type. Repeat the EHOS until sweats drips onto your hoe. Only at this point have you have officially participated in an extreme hoeing workout.

So there you have it. Farmer B and I toned muscle, lost weight and gained a new appreciation for physical fitness after only our first 3 weeks of Extreme Hoeing. It's not just a workout - it's really become a way of life. We try not to go more than a day without a sweaty hoe... Are you ready for this level of commitment? Then join the Extreme Hoeing Club now to transform your life and your garden. Remember, "It's not extreme until you've got a sweaty hoe."

Are you an Extreme Hoer? Display the Extreme Hoeing Club button with pride! Just copy and paste this text below onto your site.

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